The cold treatment

There are days when he make me feel like I don’t exist. I thought I’m strong enough to tolerate it and let it pass by. I was wrong, AGAIN. I slept with heavy eyes. I wear this wide smile all day long pretending to be okay. My thoughts keep on betraying me. I’m trying my best to focus, keep myself busy from important stuff, but my eyes can’t control what it can see, nor my heart choose what it can feel, I always end up finding something that reminds me of him; that name and the name I used to call him. I can’t help but wonder what goes inside his head; am I part of it? Do I ever cross his mind? Do I really don’t deserve to be noticed by him? 

Am I alive or a lie? Am I just complicating my life? I just committed myself to pain and happiness, as long as its with him. This situation I dragged myself into kills my entirety and some days, my head feels so numb. 

Where are we really? What am I to you, honestly? I’ve made a decision to no longer question that status thing and instead be grateful to what’s happening. I did my best to breathe cool air, but whenever I see him looking the other way makes me grasps polluted air. I can handle a day or two of no communication, just please don’t look the other way. I’d rather be slapped, than see you looking away, like I did something wrong.

I can feel your efforts. I’m sorry if I’m not being cooperative. I want to whisper how badly I miss those times we walk together. Those… Those moments I genuinely feel HAPPY and CONTENTED. Arrgghhh.. I miss those times, most especially you. 

You’re already a part of me. I don’t care if I’m not in yours, I do hope I make sense to you. Can we still be friends even at a distance? Will everything change in a blink of an eye? Will I disappear like I didn’t existed? 

Those thoughts keep haunting me. Should I ask you, then? Can’t you just answer them, since I feel like you can read my mind. 
I’m really sad, very sad. Glad that I can wear a mask. I will smile until you’re here, and will still smile when you’re gone. Just a fake one. No one will notice the difference, anyway. ~ 


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