My life’s been on a roller coaster ride since I got hired on my new company. There’s really no perfect work nor workplace. It’s up to you how to make everything look perfect. Can’t blame anyone, just myself; it was I who applied there in the first place. I know, that it was my fault why I lost focus. Anyway, slowly, I’m taking one step at a time to gain back my self. I learned a lot on my first three months there, both work related and personal stuff. To admit, I am hurt by the pain I inflicted myself. The problem with my personality is, I get attached easily and deeply to strangers. Whenever someone does something good to me, it’s my automatic response to be forever grateful for that random act of kindness, and the next thing I know, I am already attached!
No regrets. I should be thankful for every soul that pass by is a blessing from God. The message might not be clear, but someday, I will surely decipher it. For now, I will take time to heal what’s left (if there’s anything left).
So, where to start? Here’s a checklist of my trial and error operation make peace with oneself:
Feel the PAIN
The problem with most of us is that we deny ourselves of the pain. We pretend to not feel anything when in reality it really does hurt,somewhere. Whether its a love lost, ended, or a love you thought that was there, but didn’t really exist, whatever it is as long as there’s love, and you felt it, it’s okay to be hurt. Keep on reminiscing, read your exchange of sweet, nonsense conversations, over and over again, until you get tired of it.
Pain is just a product of illusion. It’ll fade away in time. Stop fooling yourself that it heal in time, it’s not a wound in the first place. It is state of mind, therefore, when you’re ready, your perspective will change, all at once, like nothing happened.
Face the person
This is so common in a workplace, especially in a not so huge and spacious workplace, where you don’t have any other choice but to see and interact with each other every single working day. Don’t resign. Stay where you are and face the person you believed was part of the pain you are going through. Don’t run away, instead, be brave enough to face the person, even if it will make you feel like being slapped each time. Continue being friends with the person. You don’t have to end your friendship just because your illusion didn’t became a reality.
Punish yourself, never the other person. You might not know how genuine the friendship that person is offering, and it’s not fair to end a good friendship because of trying to save yourself from misery. Keep in mind that it was your fault, it was only you who ASSUMED of something else.
Frowning will make moving on easier, said no one. Smile, even if its a fake one. It’s much easier to smile, than explain to everyone why you’re not in the mood. After all, they’re not really interested. Don’t waste your time confiding your issues. Not all your friends are really your FRIENDS. Some are fake will surely talk behind your back. Stay away from another possible misunderstanding.
Again, it’s okay to fool everyone, and yourself as well, with a contagious smile. Who knows, you might be making someone else’s day brighter because of your smile. Be a blessing, even when your dark day is on.
Do something NEW
This is what I did, just yesterday. I am afraid of heights but we (with Angel), tried wall climbing, I tried to focus on the stones, and conquer all the walls, but, I always end thinking of that person, again. He’s part of my system, what can I do. Nah! Anyway, wall climbing was a good experience. And I’m planning to make it a part of my monthly activities. A good exercise to keep my body slim. I’m not strong enough, but someday, I will surely be.
Try a new sport, something that will make you suffer physical pain. The recovery from physical pain is way much possible and faster as compared to the emotional ones.
Stay away from gadgets
Do something else and give yourself a breather. You may not have any choice at the office, but you surely can control yourself from holding and staring at your phone, waiting for that person’s message. Okay, I said to never run away from the person. Staying away is different from running away. Both may require conscious effort but the difference is, the first one, you just stay where you are. The latter may demand that you take another way, whenever you see that person walking the same path. My point is, if you can turn off your wi-fi, then do so. If wi-fi is the only way that connects you from him, then allow yourself to rest from that connection. If he really want to connect with you, he can always send a message, even if its not from viber, or facebook, right?
Listen to music that you can relate. Drown yourself to sadness. Let music make you cry, until the pain flows out of your system. It’s much better to sing-a-long, than talk with friends about your problem. Remember, not everyone is interested. Don’t force them to listen to you.
Stay away from TOXIC PEOPLE!
I don’t know how to do this, but in time, I will soon be free from this one. It’s never a good idea to be in company with a self-centered individual. Endless rants will do you no good. You have your own problem, don’t entertain more problem, especially if the problem is another person’s attitude. Another thing is, you can’t be a good friend if you, yourself is not OKAY. Heal yourself first, before you can heal another person.
I feel so emotionally drained. I can’t even enjoy a good sleep. I sound so childish, and problem’s too petty, at least, in the future, when I get to read this, or the entries I did on my journal, I’ll have something to laugh at. I will surely learn something from this. I don’t hate Him, I hate myself. I am grateful that he made me part of this short stint. All good things must come to an end. If we’re really friends, then distance will not cut this friendship.
For now, I will find strength to sleep. I badly need some SLEEP!
I no longer want to count days. Merry Christmas … THANK YOU