It’s over. It was over before it even started. Pathetic me. Though things are slowly getting clearer, my minds no longer blurry, still, a big part hurts. I can’t find any reason to resent what’s happening, nor point fingers to anyone, only just ME, to blame. This will all pass, like in the past – this too shall pass. All I have to do is sit, relax, feel the pain, until it no longer hurts. I’m not that strong, coz I don’t cry often. I feel like crying most of my idle time, but, tears won’t fall. Everyone can see how tired my eyes are, but they’re all wrong. My eyes haven’t shed a tear from day one. To top it all, after I gave all my energy to that wall climbing, I only managed to sleep 2 hours straight and I woke up at around 2am, feeling the PAIN, that PAIN once again. Funny but its really true. When the pain hurts too much, you can really feel it, hurtin’ you, physically.
In silence, I find sadness. I can’t think clearly, what do I really want, is it isolation, or company? Again, I don’t have any other choice, and even if I do, surely, I’d still choose to stay where I am. I feel so sorry for myself. Why do I always end miserable like this? Am I not deserving for a happiness that lasts? How come no matter how hard I try to share myself, the best possible way, still, everything ends abruptly?
Yesterday, when I look at the mirror, I no longer know who am I looking at. I changed a lot. I don’t have the eyes, those fierce eyes that knows no mercy. I look so soft, plain and transparent. I should put my mask on, until I gain back the eyes that sees no potential. Focus.Focus.Focus.
I’m at the point of no turning back. If its the end, then, be it. Be thankful for the memories shared, experience, and time wasted wisely. How can I not be grateful for the smiles, laughs and confusion that brought me back to my human side? Funny how life’s playing tricks on me. I’m loving how each day makes me feel like dying.
It hurts somewhere.
No one can save me.
and I don’t want to be saved either.
I’m strong enough to live again, like how I did before.
But for now, I need some space, to kill what’s left of me.
Only then, I can resurrect and breathe new life again.