Things I want to say (but I just can’t)

If you can only read what’s running in my mind, you’ll be shocked. Kidding aside, there’s nothing much actually, just one idea, one big question, a pain in the neck – one person, who came, left, come back, left again but took the door with him. That person keeps me busy, every single second. Can you imagine how annoying is he? No matter how irritating he can be, I no longer know how to live a day without missing him.

Last month, I already made it. I found my way out, a peace of mind I thought. Slowly, I felt we’re heading the right path to friendship, just pure friendship. One day, out of nowhere, he revealed something – I was terrified. It was the assurance, conclusion I was trying to figure out, and when I finally got the answer, can’t even believe it myself.

Was it real? My head was numb, its like I was trying to wake up in one of my nightmares. Good thing the control freak in me take charge, so, “our” conversation went on. Yes, I said, I can’t believe it, and will never believe it, coz deep inside, I feel I’m not good enough for you. That, there’s nothing likeable about me, not enough to suit your taste. There it goes, a part of me felt like a winner, while the other half was struggling for sanity ONCE AGAIN. Where will I stand? Actually, the answer is so simple, I’m just so damn good in complicating things.

Honestly, I want to believe. I want to confess, I felt likewise. I was the first to trip and fell. I know that he know it, whoever told him, God bless that person! I just can’t say it coz I might sound desperate. Do I have to say it? If there’s a chance he’d ask, I’ll see what I can do about it. I have to do this. Be honest about it. He knows it already, why deny it for the nth time?

To make it clear, honest to goodness, I don’t ask for anything more than friendship. For some reason, I just want us to continue what we have – no pressure. That’s all I ask, believe it or not. Though we don’t talk much anything about serious stuff, he never wants to – I assume, and it pains me. Am I not worth serious stuff?

Anyway, here it goes. In case I will die (~ not now please), I expect someone will see this post. So, soul mate, yes, this is for you. Thanks for appreciating my weirdness, though I don’t know what made me weird in your eyes. For my 26 years of existence, you were the only one who pointed it out. The guts! That’s what I like about you. You were never afraid to say “mean” things to me, I guess it comes out naturally. I appreciate all those, HONESTLY. The other side of me that I’m trying hard to conceal, you always notice. Didn’t I warn you not to point out those? You forgot, right? I want to stop you coz doing so, drags me into the pit of falling for you. And guess what, I already fell. I keep on falling – HARD. Every time I find the strength to stand and run far away, just like a ghost, you appear right before my eyes.

I like you, really.
You’re not my type, I SWEAR!
But you’re challenging, and since day one, you kept on making me THINK.
How come you’re so GOOD? Who am I to question your goodness? DAF~
I don’t know where did you got the power to control me.
Your words sounds commanding, that I have to follow right away.
I try to resist, and every time I do, the knot tightens.
If you and I can’t eliminate the “and” and become “we” or “us”
Can you please say it?
Not that I am demanding a level up. Again, I just want it to be clear.
Yes, I will stay a loyal puppy by your side, I can assure you of that.
I’m just here, even if you ignore me for days, weeks, months, years.
I’m just a message away, you know that!
So, what’s my point?
I don’t know either.
I’m complicating my life once again. LOLZ
Okay.Okay. Enough.

I just want to say, I like you too.
and I miss you ~ now.



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